Cousin Squatt...Yeah, he's short too.Cousin Squatt had this incident with yellow-jackets in the outhouse one time way back yonder. After the vet treated him, he had this thing about wanting to eliminate in the house all the time. It took a big 5 gallon bucket to hold something that big and long. The rest of us just had regular slop-jars under our beds. One dark night Cousin Lavonia tripped over Squatt's big ole bucket, and the contents rolled out onto the floor. Boy howdy she pitched a fit.
After about a week when she calmed down she said due to Squatt's trauma and all over the yellow jackets, maybe we need to get "indoor facilities" like they have over at the community college over in the valley. I didn't think it was a good idea, but Lavonia did take some classes up at the community college. I wasn't willing to rule out the possibility that we could all elevate ourselves from her higher learnin'.
I figured out how to do it with some parts and stuff that was up in the barn, and I got a "fixture" from a trailer that turned over during a big ole wreck over on the 4 lane. It worked fairly well for normal folks like me, Lavonia, Effie, Charlamay and the rest of 'em, but Squatt has what the vet calls a high-capacity colon. I'm tellin' you, something that big is just not goin' down that porcelain hole, even if you let the the thing soak and loosen up for a half day. Meanwhile it smells bad, and attracts yellow jackets and flies while the rest of us are using the outhouse and our slop-jars. The hell of it is it doesn't even seem to lure the yellow jackets and flies from the outhouse, there are just more of em. It would have been easier just to raise Squatt's bed on some firewood rounds to accommodate the 5 gallon bucket underneath. Besides, I repurposed Squatt's residue as animal repellant. Seems that putting it around the fruit trees kept deer, coons and possums off of 'em.
Some women have the most complicated solutions for the simplest problems. Now me bein' the man of the shack, Squatt's turds are now my responsibility to subdue. Just like if they were wolves prowlin' outside. I went out and cut me a good piece of cane and sharpened it on one end. Now when I see one layin' in there or even stickin' up like rattler out of a groundhog hole, I jab it and cut it up with the pointy end of that cane.
Now most folks would think the story ends there, but I come from a long line of philosophical people. High tech solutions are sometimes not the best solutions to "solve" a situation. I went along with Lavonia and her complicated scheme only to suffer the unintended consequences along with everyone else. Now we're all happy to have 4 good oak rounds and a sharp stick to solve the original problem and the new one. To make this worse during this turmoil the deer have stripped the fruit and leaves off the mulberry trees. Damn.
This whole experience inspired me to compose the "Turd Jabbers Jig".
